She/They — Hannah Marie Fonder

Dearest reader,

Welcome. I’m glad you’re here.

I’ve had a few friends who have known me for quite some time asking me to explain what I mean when I say I identify as she/they within the past year that I’ve been “out” to the public.

I even had a family member in conversation recently express to me that he didn’t understand why someone would “choose” to identify as they when he still has a hard enough time operating and understanding what it means to identify as a man. Although I cannot pretend I wasn’t offended by this statement because they is who I am, not a choice, I do understand that society purposefully left us out of the conversation. The patriarchy abused us and erased our identities from the conversation for so long that I didn’t even know why I felt so lost in the gender spectrum at first. I became so seamless at masking as a binary person because I had to in order to survive my given circumstances. I felt inherently incomplete until I was able to properly claim and profess my pronouns, my true identity, in my late twenties to the world at large.

The more I’ve gotten this, the more I realize it’s probably a question many more people in my life have wanted to ask, but haven’t known either how to pose the question or if to.

As a storyteller, I feel that putting it down on digital paper will not only help clear that up for the people in my life, but also that it may be empowering for myself.

One thing that I would like to be crystal clear about before I have my dialogue is that this is a personal account of MY experience as a non-binary person. My experience in no way shape or form speaks for the community at large, and I highly recommend reading other non-binary stories if you would like to continue learning about this beautiful gender spectrum and community of humans.

So here goes everything: If you know me, you know I love a mutually beneficial moment.

I without a shadow of a doubt know with every fiber of my being that if I had been told before the age of 28 that I could identify as hyper femme non-binary; I would have.

I have never felt like a woman or a man. Ever.

Growing up I could not for the life of me understand why I wasn’t born a boy, and at the same time I was hyper aware that I yearned to be a woman. I wanted it just about more than anything in this world to be my truth.

Unlike the trans experience; being born with a female physique fits me perfectly, but on the inside I have always felt like a man. You can be both trans and non-binary. I am not, but you best believe that if I had been born in a male body; I would transition. That too I know for certain.

The way I think, the way I process, the way I emote has always felt masculine. And I’m not talking about how society projects masculinity onto the masc presenting part of the population at large. I mean; deeply energetically masculine energy in my soul.

I spent my youth desperately learning to “be feminine” because it’s what I craved, and I wore it like a mask.

I fell in love with the art of ballet, the stage, applying makeup, fixing my hair, donning an outfit, and mirroring strong exquisite confident, powerful, and charismatic women.

I spent countless hours of my youth at home in my room stuffing my bra, curling my hair, secretly sinching my waist, applying and re-applying a mask of makeup to transform my facial structure. I applied,tweaked, and primped until what looked back at me looked to me “like a woman should”.

I cried when I had to take my makeup off at night. I didn’t want to see them looking back at me because I was never given the common courtesy to grow up knowing that they was ok.

I desperately wanted to be one of those people who could walk into a room and stop time with their feminine presence.

I also spent a good bit of my formative years masking. Acutely attempting to emulate powerful women in my circle, pulling bits and pieces from their experiences/styles/vernacular/movement/gait/you name it; trying it on like a hat in a haberdashery with limited access to their inventory.

If I innately know how to do anything it’s study. In a way I feel as if I crafted myself into the adult I am today from the ashes of my former existence as a “good Evangelical girl”.

I was made to wear a purity ring at 8 years old. All I remember about it is that I lost it, and the subsequently groomed shame that came with the loss of a forgettable object that I was never personally attached to. Rather an item that my birth Mother forced upon my hand. And the most frightening part is that I didn’t know I could resist their heteronormative manipulation at that age. I had never been shown anyone like me, so how would I have known to fight for an identity I didn’t know existed outside of my own self? A community I was told didn’t exist. If that doesn’t all but sum up my feelings towards fitting into the binary;I don’t know what does.

I think the most beautiful gift of “coming out” is simply being able to be. To be at peace. To be settled energetically around others. To be happy. To be living in my own power on a moment to moment basis. To be unapologetically myself. To be me. To be.

Is this how heteronormative people innately feel growing up in society? I’d venture to posit so; seeing as I never had those settled feelings until coming out myself.

It’s why I think it’s so vital to talk about it now. As I stated at the beginning of this tell all: if I had been given the option to claim my identity as non-binary as a child; I would have.

Since I had no choice in claiming my identity as a youth; or ever having my internal map directly reflected in any part of society at large communally, socially, or in media; I claim my truth loudly and openly now. I claim my identity as if I’m finally taking my first real breath after 28 years below sea level, emerging to the surface like a Siren of their own truth, honesty, and lived experience.

You don’t have to understand my truth. I can’t understand being heteronormative other than the fact that I masked as one for so long. What you do need to do in order for us to interact on any level is show me the respect I deserve; the respect I have always deserved for who I really am. We do this together by creating space for the community of gender nonconforming/fluid/queer humans to the their stories. We have just as much o add to the conversation of humanity as male and female identifying people do, but our truth was attacked for existing. there is space for us all. The biggest lie that the patriarchy has told us is that there isn’t. There is. We are more alike than we are unalike. Our differences make us stronger.

Maya Angelou put it best: “I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me”. The only way we’ll ever be able to understand each other is if we decide to actively stop listening to our own internal dialogue Long Enough to listen to the carefully chosen words of our friends when they open up about their own internal dialogue. As one of my former students once told me after improving: “I took you to the world inside of me” today, and I hope the view was moving, comforting, and peaceful; seeing as I’ve worked hard to calm the deep waters of my soul for years. I vow to continue strengthening these gentle but powerful waves for many years to come.

My name is Hannah Marie Fonder, I’m hyper femme non binary, originally from Texas and live my truth in Brooklyn, New York. I use she/they pronouns, will pick tacos over most other food groups any day of the week, and I will never vibe with birds who chirp loudly before 9am EST. Nice to (re)meet you. I hope we connect soon. Thanks for taking the time to listen to my truth. I’d love to be privy to yours as well.

Together we’ll reignite this dying ember of a society from the ashes of the binary mold. I’m fond of who I am, and I hope you think as highly of yourself as you do of those you love the most in your circle. You’re worth it. We’re worth it. Rise up (s)he friends. Speak your truth, own your truth, respect others truths, and I hope we meet again soon. Until next time: I'll be seeing you.

I am here;

I am Queer;

I am whole;

I am me;

I am.

With gratitude, grace, humility, strength, unconditional love, and self assurance,

Hannah Marie Fonder

Special thanks in particular to Annelise Ambrose Nielsen, without whom I would not have found my way back to myself. You are a bright light in a dark world, and we are all greater for your presence, wit, grace, strength, and being. I love you with all of my heart seester friend. By finding your truth, you gave me the key to unlock my own. I will forever be grateful for your friendship, love, light, and seesterhood. Tusind Tak; eslker dig!